Please do not steal my stuff. Theft is an extreme invasion of privacy and leaves victims depressed, angry, scared, and prone to an irregular appetite.

How to Make Your Home Safer

1. INSTALL A DEADBOLT! If you have one of those locks that just looks like a regular doorknob but with a double lock–kinda thing, get a deadbolt. They are cheap and easy to install if you get a handy friend to do it and not a locksmith. Even if your super tells you that the lock you have will be sufficient, don’t listen! (Legally you are probably obligated to give a copy of your key to the management.)
2. Make sure you have bars on all windows
3. Keep sensitive files hidden on your mac or pc. If you have an external hard drive then store it in a drawer or closet when not in use.
4. Get to know (or at least greet) your neighbors even if they’re weird and don’t initiate conversation. Everyone enjoys a friendly hello!
5. Occasionally wear baggy jeans and a stained t-shirt while doing neighborhood errands.
6. Keep your local precinct’s phone number handy, or dial 311.

I don’t hate all cops. I’ve dealt with plenty of decent ones. Some truly are assholes though. I asked this cop why there aren’t more of them on the streets, and he says there’s not enough of them. Go back to your house on Long Island and watch Desperate Housewives, dude. I’m sure having 10 cops standing outside Toys “R” Us in Times Square is really necessary. Anyway.

Covertly obtained audio clip from Sunday’s quasi-mugging

Riding in a police car yet again

Bryan: so what happened
Bryan Quinn: time to eat the donuts
Mollie: hi
Bryan: you alright?
Mollie: what did u hear
i’m fine
Bryan: barrie just said you texted her that you got mugged
figured you were probalby ok if you were texting about it
Sent at 11:51 AM on Monday
Bryan: so?

(more…)